So You Lost It on Your Ex. Now What?
“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.” – C.S. Lewis
You lost it.
On the phone, in a text, or maybe even in front of the kids. Ugh.
Whether it was a text you shouldn't have sent, or yelling in the driveway when you swore you’d never go there again — whatever the case... it happened.
You snapped like an old rubber band left in the junk drawer too long: brittle, stretched thin, and suddenly in pieces.
And now you’re stuck replaying it on a loop, wondering if that one moment undid all the work you’ve done to stay grounded.
That one lapse doesn’t rewrite your whole story, my friend. Remember, you’re still the one holding the pen.
And since you're human, especially one navigating the circus that is divorce, you're going to trip. You’re going to say things you wish you could swallow back like a bag of gas station sushi. And while accountability matters, so does compassion. Especially the kind you give yourself.
That one time a client lost her sh*t...
One of my coaching clients (we’ll call her Jaycee) had been white-knuckling her way through the divorce storm for months. Complete with holding down a full-time job, suffering from co-parenting headaches, and emotional whiplash.
She was doing her best to stay strong and calm. (She really was… I can vouch for her.) But then came The Call.
Her ex called, pitching a fit that the kids were upset and saying that she doesn’t allow them to play video games after school. She tried to stay calm. Tried to take the high road. But the emotional gaslight that followed sparked something volcanic in her.
And she lost it.
Then, as Mount Vesuvius erupted… with it exploded the F-bomb. Not just once, but thrice.
Cue the hang-up. Cue the panic.
The aftermath? Spinning. Crying. Shame-storming. “Why did I let that a**hole get to me? I’ve undone every little bit of calm there was between us.”
But here’s what I told her — and what I’ll tell you now:
No, you didn’t ruin everything. You just hit a speed bump that’s reminding you where the road needs repaving.
Divorce doesn’t come with an emotional GPS — just a lot of “recalculating…”
React. Regret. Reset.
Divorce doesn’t come with an emotional instruction manual. It’s raw. It’s relentless. And it’s exhausting.
You can be the most emotionally intelligent human on earth and still get triggered when your ex:
rewrites history
ignores boundaries
throws your kindness back at you like a flaming tennis ball
And if you’re co-parenting? Gawd help us all — it’s a special kind of purgatory.
But here’s where your power lies:
You can lose your cool, then choose to recalibrate.
You can say “I’m sorry” without grovelling.
You can course-correct without letting them “win.”
If You’re Dealing With a Narcissist...
There’s a whole different manual for this one because it can be very complicated. Admitting your part can feel like you’re handing them a win — or giving them one more thing to twist.
So many of us feel that we have to explain, justify, or apologize to someone who’s proven they can’t hold our truth with care.
But even if that’s the case (especially if that’s the case), you still deserve peace. Peace doesn’t come from “winning” the fight. It comes from stepping out of the ring altogether.
So if the only apology that needs to happen is the one you give to yourself, give it fully. Lovingly. And move forward.
It’s never too late to show up differently.
“But if I act calm now, won’t they think I’ve admitted defeat?”
“What’s the point if they’ll just keep being toxic?”
The point is that you’re doing this for YOU.
Apologizing (or simply shifting your energy) is not about their reaction. It’s about your integrity, your nervous system, and your future peace. And even if you were stuck in the emotional gutter last week, or if you veered off course, that doesn’t mean you can’t reroute.
You don’t need their permission (or a new moon) to show up as the version of you that feels aligned. Just start. Today. Right now.
You can come back from this.
If your ex won’t let it go — that’s their storm to sit in. You’re not responsible for whether they heal, forgive, or move forward.
What you are responsible for is:
how you hold yourself accountable
how you speak to yourself afterward
how you protect your peace going forward
Self-forgiveness is the ultimate flex.
So here’s to the real ones — the ones who crack, cry, curse, then come back softer, stronger, and clearer than ever.
And if you eff it up again tomorrow? We’ll recalibrate again.
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