When Your Ex Is the One Lashing Out: How to Stay Grounded When They’re Spiralling

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“The moment you stop attending every argument you're invited to, peace becomes your plus-one.” – Little Ole Me

It blows my mind how fast it can flip. One minute you’re just trying to confirm a pickup time, and the next?

You’re in what feels like a rerun of the worst episode of your past life.

Maybe it starts with a loaded text, or maybe it’s a snarky little comment at drop-off, disguised as “casual.” Sometimes, it’s not even the words… it’s the vibe. That shift in the air, the tightness in your gut whispering, “Ugh, here we go again.”

I’m not generally in the practice of telling people what to do, but I’m going to make an exception today. Here’s what I need you to remember: just because they’re losing it, doesn’t mean you have to lose you. It’s their flare-up, not your fault line.

Your nervous system might go into high alert, and you’ll feel your shoulders tense, your brain will be searching in every dusty corner to find the right reaction. But in reality, you don’t owe the moment anything.

Every emotional outburst doesn’t need a response. Not every explosion needs a clean-up crew. (And FYI, you are not the designated clean-up crew anymore.)

What’s Actually Happening When They Lash Out

Look, when your ex is coming in hot (blaming, baiting, or just generally being difficult), it’s really easy to think, “What did I do wrong here?” But the truth is, most of the time, it’s got very little to do with you.

It’s usually about what they’re wrestling with behind the scenes.

• Their discomfort with no longer being in control.

• Their grief… their ego… their narcissism.

• Maybe just the fact that your peace feels threatening now that they’re no longer part of it.

Sometimes your growth pokes at wounds they never dealt with, so instead of sitting with that, they aim it directly at you.

I’m not trying to justify their behaviour, but understanding what’s driving it can help you step out of the blast zone without making it personal.

The Old You Might Have:

• Tried to soothe them so they wouldn’t escalate.

• Apologized for things that weren’t your fault.

• Gone into over-explaining mode to try to “clear the air.”

• Taken the bait. Every. Single. Damn. Time.

But that was before.

Before you knew what boundaries actually feel like in your body, and before you realized peace isn’t something you beg for… It’s something you build.

So what can you actually do in those moments?

Let’s keep it simple and doable:

1. Stay Boring

If they’re tossing sparks, you don’t have to be the one holding kindling. Let the flame fizzle out without your fuel.

Keep it short, steady, and neutral. “Noted” is a good one. Or even, “Let’s pick this up when it feels less explosive.” You don’t need to argue, but do your best to protect your energy like it’s sacred real estate.

You don’t need a perfect line. Just something that sounds like you and lets you exit the chaos clean.

2. Don’t Defend Your Growth

If they accuse you of being “cold,” “selfish,” or “too much,” now that you’ve set boundaries, take that as a confirmation that the boundaries are working.

Growth will feel like rejection to someone who benefited from your silence or self-sacrifice.

3. Remember Who You Are Now

You're no longer the person who lived on edge, waiting for the next emotional landmine.

You're the person who:

• closes tabs that drain your energy.

• protects your nervous system like it’s sacred real estate.

• doesn’t mistake rage for relevance.

But What If You Still Get Flooded?

Totally normal, and honestly, kinda expected.

Even when your brain knows you’ve moved on, your body might still flinch like round two is coming. Those knee-jerk reactions take a helluva long time to stop dominating your reactions. Slowly, but surely, you’ll begin to feel safe in the new version of you. I promise.

This is where self-compassion becomes your lifeline.

Take space.

Breathe.

And when those feelings come up, don’t shame yourself, just remind yourself that you’ve done enough carrying. You don’t have to keep holding what was never yours.

Of course it stings. That doesn’t mean you’re slipping back, it just means your nervous system is catching up to the version of you who no longer lives in survival mode.

This Isn’t About “Winning” the Divorce

I’m not interested in helping you “beat” your ex. I’m here to help you beat the cycle of self-abandonment.

You don’t win by “one-upping” their outbursts. You win when you stop responding to them with the old version of you.

Final Thought: Let Them.

Let them spin. Let them judge. Let them misinterpret your silence.

You don’t need to clarify your character to the very person who benefited from misreading it.

Their chaos is not your homework, and your peace is not up for debate.

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