Don’t Take the Bait: How to Set Boundaries When Your Ex Weaponizes Texts
“You can't control how someone talks to you, but you can damn well control how you respond.” – Claudine Plesa
"Did you even BOTHER to talk to your children about why you can't see them next weekend?"
Your heart races. Your stomach knots.
That one line (totally unprovoked, mid-morning, no warning) lands like a slap. If you’re anything like I was in the early days of divorce, your fingers are already flying with a sharp comeback before your brain has a chance to say, “Wait… don’t.”
That’s the bait.
And it’s damn near irresistible.
But here's the truth: biting back keeps you stuck. And worse? It keeps the kids stuck in a cyclone of chaos they didn’t ask for.
So today, let’s talk about something no one really prepares you for in divorce: how to shift the communication tone, set the rules, and take back control of the narrative — starting with how (and where) you respond.
Why You Need a New Rule: Text is for Logistics. Email is for Everything Else.
Texts are quick, reactive, and designed for the short term. Divorce? Not so much.
The moment your ex begins to weaponize text messaging (through jabs, accusations, or full-blown guilt trips) you need a plan. That plan is simple:
Use text only for immediate logistics. Everything else goes to email.
Logistics = "I’ll be there at 4 to pick them up."
Email = "I’d like to discuss the upcoming holiday schedule."
This shift isn’t about being difficult. It’s about protecting your mental health, creating documentation, and giving yourself space to respond rather than react.
Another powerful bonus? Written communication subtly shifts the power dynamic. When someone knows their words are being saved, they tend to behave better. It’s the psychological equivalent of knowing there’s a camera in the room. Even the most antagonistic ex may dial it down when they know their words live on in black and white.
But What About Phone Calls?
Ah yes — the ol’ "Wouldn’t it just be easier to pick up the phone?"
In a perfect world? Maybe.
But in the real world of legal proceedings, high-conflict dynamics, and emotional landmines, calls can create more harm than help — especially when they go undocumented.
Here’s what many people don’t realize: depending on where you live, recording a phone call without consent may not be legally admissible. That means the most inflammatory or manipulative things your ex says on a call could disappear into thin air when it matters most.
Written communication creates a paper trail. It slows the pace. It gives you time to pause, reflect, and respond — not react. Text messages and phone calls? They invite the opposite. They pressure you to be fast, to react instead of reflect. And in today’s world, there’s this unspoken expectation to respond immediately, like your peace of mind is supposed to be on-call 24/7. But that pressure isn’t your problem anymore. Not in this season.
So if your ex keeps pushing to "just talk on the phone," try this instead:
"To keep things clear and aligned with legal best practices, I’m using email for all non-urgent communication."
No shade. No story. Just structure.
And if they call anyway? Let it go to voicemail. You’re allowed to let peace go to voicemail.
Real Examples of the Bait (And How to Not Bite)
Bait: "How nice that you think you're the only parent in this relationship. Next time you have the kids, use your head for once. Wouldn't you THINK that I wanted to take them to that movie?"
Don’t Bite: Don’t respond by text. Wait 24 hours. Then send a short email: "For clarity moving forward, I’ll aim to notify you of special outings during my parenting time, and you’re welcome to do the same."
Bait: "I know you heard my car broke down. But you didn't even BOTHER to ask if I needed help."
Don’t Bite: You are not obligated to parent your former partner. Silence is a response. So is, "I hope things are sorted soon."
Bait: Barrage of texts and calls accusing you of not treating the kids right because you didn’t administer their regular meds, even though none were sent with them.
Don’t Bite: Been there. And I know how much this can unravel a night. I once gave my stepson a placebo because he clearly needed comfort, not chemicals. While we kept calm inside our home, the ex was pouring acid over the entire night via text and repeated calls. And the boys felt it. That’s when I knew: boundaries aren’t just for you. They’re for your kids, too.
How to Set the Tone Going Forward
Inform them once. Send a clear, neutral message: "To keep communication organized and productive, I’ll be using text only for urgent logistics moving forward. Please use email for all other topics."
Stick to it. Don’t explain or justify. Just repeat the pattern.
Delay your responses. Wait 24 hours for anything non-urgent. This breaks the habit of reactivity.
Keep a folder. (Physical or electronic.) Save all email exchanges. It helps with legal clarity, and trust me, it’s emotionally validating too.
Final Word: You Don’t Owe Anyone Your Peace
Every message you don’t send is a gift to your future self. Every bait you don’t bite is a win for your kids. And every moment you choose email over emotional chaos is one more brick in your boundary wall.
You’re not being difficult. You’re not just drawing a line — you’re choosing peace over drama. That, my friend, is what healing in real-time actually looks like.
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