Navigating the Narcissist Buffet: Why They Bait You and How to Starve the Cycle

“You are not required to be polite while someone pokes your trauma.” – Claudine Plesa

It always starts small.

A snide comment at pickup.
A one-line text with just enough sting to mess with your mood.
A public “oops” that somehow paints you as the unstable one — especially in front of the kids or people who don’t know better.

Sound familiar?

This isn’t poor communication. It’s not a misunderstanding. It’s bait.

And if you’ve ever felt emotionally hijacked by an ex’s random text, phone call, or “harmless” comment, you’re not imagining it. You’ve just been invited to the Narcissist Buffet — an all-you-can-eat spread of guilt trips, passive-aggression, emotional ambushes, and chaos dressed up as concern.

What Is a Narcissist Buffet?

The Narcissist Buffet isn’t a place — it’s a pattern.

It’s when someone baits you into reacting — not to resolve things, but to regain control.

When you serve up your empathy, your dignity, your energy…
They pile their plate high and come back for seconds.

Why? Because for someone who feeds on drama and power — especially a high-conflict or narcissistic ex — your reaction is the reward.

Why They Bait You

This isn’t new.

Back in the day, we called them schoolyard bullies.
Same strategy. Different setting.

Bullies — then and now — thrive on:

• Making others feel small

• Dodging accountability

• Creating chaos to avoid looking inward

A lot of those same bullies just grew up into adults with better vocabulary and more legal access to you.

But the game is the same:

Provoke. Watch you react. Feel powerful. Repeat.

In a post-divorce dynamic, that bait might sound like:

• “Wow, you’re late again. Just like always.”

• “The kids said you were crying last night — are you okay?”

• “It must be exhausting playing the victim all the time.”

And let’s be honest — when someone aims straight for your soft spot, it takes everything in you not to bite back.

But here’s the thing:

Every reaction reinforces the pattern.

You defend yourself? They’ve got you on the hook.
You shut down? They’ll poke harder next time.
You cry? That’s dessert.

What Happens When You Bite

They get validation. You get dysregulated.

Your nervous system goes into survival mode.

You spin out emotionally, maybe even lash out — and then you’re the one left cleaning it up while they play the calm, collected victim.

And if there are kids watching? That moment gets burned into their memory — not the poke, but your explosion.

It’s not fair. But it is real.

Starving the Pattern Isn't Easy — But It's Powerful

Breaking the cycle isn’t about “being the bigger person.”

It’s about protecting your peace like your sanity depends on it — because it does.

Here’s how to start:

1. Name the Pattern

If it feels like bait, it is. When your body lights up like a Christmas tree, that’s your signal — not your script.

2. Pause Before You Bite

Don’t respond. Don’t explain. Don’t play referee. The most powerful move is sometimes silence — or a neutral boundary like:

“I’m not engaging in that. Let’s keep it focused on the kids.”

3. Feed Yourself Instead

Redirect your energy. Journal it. Breathe it out. Text your safe person.
The buffet only stays open if you keep showing up with forks.

Final Thought: You Don’t Owe Them Your Dignity

Your peace is not up for negotiation.

You’re not required to be polite while someone pokes your trauma.

You are allowed to walk away — calmly, firmly, unapologetically. (Okay... and if there's a hair flip in there too... I'm totally doing an Arsenio Hall 'woop-woop' for you!)

Let them heap their plate.

You don’t have to be the main course anymore.

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